Monday, December 27, 2010

If Life were More Like the Internet - Volume 1

Back when I was writing for a sketch comedy show in college, I was required to write at least one script a week. Here is one I found in my old files that they thought was a bit too esoteric to be worth producing. I still thought it was funny though.

Open on: A grocery store. A WOMAN sits at the table to give out free samples. A MAN walks by, uninterested. She pops up right in front of his shopping cart.

WOMAN
Hi! You bumped into me, so you must be interested. Want to try a free sample? They're free.

MAN
I'm sorry. I don't eat.. uh..

He looks at the display box,

MAN(Cont'd)
Breaded Squid Testicles.

WOMAN
But they're free. Surely you can't turn down something free can you?

MAN
I can't though, I'm allergic.

WOMAN
Try it and we'll give you a free DVD.

MAN
Free DVD? Okay.

The woman takes out a clipboard.

WOMAN
Alright, now I need you to give us your name.

MAN
What? What for?

WOMAN
Do you want the DVD or not?

MAN
Fine...

He signs his name in one of the boxes. The woman looks at it.

MAN(Cont'd)
Steven..

WOMAN
Oh, I'm sorry. We already gave a sample to someone with that name.

MAN
What? What's the difference?

WOMAN
Well, how can we know you're not the same person?

MAN
Do I LOOK like that person?

WOMAN
Honestly, I don't remember faces that well.

MAN
Okay, fine my name isn't Steven. it's... Caleb.

WOMAN
Alright, Caleb. This all seems to be in order. Now I just need your credit card number.

MAN
I thought this stuff was free.

WOMAN
Oh, it is! But we need your credit card number to confirm you are an actual person.

MAN
What do you mean? I'm standing right fucking here! You can see I'm a person!

WOMAN
How do we know you're not under 18 and here without a legal guardian?

MAN
What fucking difference does that make? It's a blob of squid in frying batter!

WOMAN
How do we know you're not going to pick pornographic material as your free DVD?

MAN
Do you even HAVE porno as a DVD choice?

WOMAN
I'm sorry, I can't let you see the choices until you've given us your credit card number and proven you're a real person.

MAN
Are you saying I'm not a real person if I don't have a credit card?

WOMAN
Yes.

MAN
This is fucking bullshit.

He looks around and shoulder surfs, seeing the numbers on a credit card of a customer in line, which he writes on his hand.

The man returns to the table.

MAN
I got a credit card number.

WOMAN
Wonderful!

She hands him the clipboard and he copies the numbers.

WOMAN
Alright, and here you are.

She picks up one of the Squid Balls on a toothpick and hands it to him. He eats it.

MAN
This fucking sucks! I can't believe you wasted my time like this!

He begins to storm out.

WOMAN
Don't forget to pick your free DVD!

The man sighs and goes back.

MAN
What do you have?

The woman takes out two DVDs, each in poor paper covering.

WOMAN
We have a wide selection. There's... Episode 56 of The Honeymooners, or The Worst of the Ed Sullivan Show.

MAN
THAT'S a wide selection?

WOMAN
Which do you want?

MAN
Fine, I'll take The Honeymooners

WOMAN
I'm sorry. That's out of stock.

MAN
Fuck you. You've already wasted enough of my time.

He starts to walk away. She pops up again in front of him.

WOMAN
Are you sure you want to leave now without picking up your free DVD?

MAN
YES!

WOMAN
Would you like to sign up to notified whenever we update our stock?

MAN
No! And I'm never shopping here again.

1 comment:

  1. It's not bad...I guess it's a comment on the cumbersome way in solicitors try to make a sell. I briefly had a job doing just that only selling cable! Do you know what a person looks like who's interested in changing their cable plan? Neither do I.

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